Problems with Mayonnaise


Like every blessing, mayonnaise comes with a price. Mayonnaise abuse is no laughing matter, and even responsible Mayonnaise use can lead to health risks for certain challenged individuals. Tell us your story. sick@friedmayo.com

Mayonnaise Lung

Extremely rare disease. 50 percent Mortality rate. Occurs when subject is exposed to gaseous mayonnaise for more than 20 hours in a single day without rest.
Treatment: 30cc intravenous, reagent grade mayonnaise.


A congenital disease. 90 percent Mortality rate. The gradual mayonnaisication of the entire nervous system. Symptoms may include “Mayonnaising out” and regaining consciousness anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 days later. Other symptoms include “Mayonnaisinations,” where the subject may mistake small animals or family members for edible mayonnaise. This disease has ravaged entire households. Death typically results from an ill-conceived attempt on the part of the victim to consume his or her own Mayonnaisicated brain.
Treatment: 60cc intravenous, reagent grade mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise Shock

A catatonic state of mayonnaise apathy resulting from an excessive intravenous dose of reagent grade mayonnaise, usually more than 2L. Alternately, if the temperature of injected mayonnaise is plasma range, or drastically different from body temperature and/or normal climate temperature for the person, the same symptoms as above are incurred with the addition of golden pupils and irises, and a tendency to bite into objects as if they were made of mayonnaise. Has been reported to occur after prolonged exposure to high atmospheric levels of mayonnaise.
Treatment: 3 minutes cold turkey mayonnaise deprivation.

Lipid Lip

The labia begin smacking at the mere sight of consumable lipids. The most potent of these, mayonnaise, has been known to cause veritable labial seizures. Can also affect the oral Labia.
Treatment: 100cc intravenous, reagent grade mayonnaise.

Hypomayonic Fever

A high fever (134 to 213 degrees) caused by an acute mayonnaise deficiency.
Treatment: 2L intravenous, reagent grade mayonnaise.

Hypomayonic Chiggers

Mite larvae, unable to thrive in the presence of mayonnaise.
Treatment: Mayonnaise, applied topically, 60 to 480 times daily.