News
of Mayonnaise

SCENT OF A MAN(NAISE)

by Anonymous
November 13, 2006

Leading perfume maker Calvin Kline is always looking for something to make lips wet. Today the company announced it is nearing completion of an ambitious research endeavor aimed at simulating the aroma of mayonnaise. “It’s ingenious, I mean it’s phenomenally brilliant,” ejaculated a company spokesperson who wishes to remain unmentioned. “I mean, chicks are so strained by their abstainace from fatty foods that you give ’em a whiff of mayo and they’ll take anything they can get their mouths on.”

The shock to the public is that mayonnaise was not exploited this way before. Polls show that 7.2% of Americans, Western Europeans, and citizens of Bhutan have attempted to wear mayonnaise as a cologne. “The problem is that it wears off. Mayonnaise has such delicacy and evanescence that it’s never with you by the time the evening’s winding down,” complained a Rhode Island man. Calvin Kline scientists hope to nail down the fleeting seduction of mayonnaise in a cologne with a half-life of five to six hours.

NO QUART GIVEN TO MAYONNAISE EATERS

by Anonymous
November 13, 2006

World reknowned mayonnaise manufacturer BEST FOODS^® - HELLMAN'S^® has adopted a psychotic policy from Freudian therapy. The mayonnaise equivalent of the 50-minute-hour, the “30-ounce-quart,” is now common practice for the comestible titan. Consumer rights groups are disbanding in despair and chaos. As one consumer advocacy leader says, “The sanctimoniousness of mayonnaise is the barrier between capitalism and fascism.” While this man, who spoke to us from Arkham Asylum, may be unstable, we must indeed wonder when the assault on consumers will be sated. We advise our readers to buy emergency stores and freeze them now. Two 30-cubic-foot freezers should be sufficient to support a two person household for a decade. Remember, the apocalypse will not be served with mayonnaise.

MAYONNAISE UNDER FIRE

by Anonymous
November 11, 2006

As President George W. Bush comes under increasing attack from almost everyone, in a pathetic attempt to divert public attention, He has declared a new “War On Mayonnaise.” The exact nature of the campaign is, of course, confidential, but He has assured the public that He will stop at nothing to stay the course.

ROUGUE REFRIGERATOR RUINS QUART

by Anonymous
November 11, 2006

A damaged and derranged refrigerator brutally warmed and destroyed an entire 1 month old quart of Mayonnaise today in what can only be described as a sinful act of villainy. The woman, a longtime Berkeley resident, who was to eat the poor quart is suffering from post-traumatic shock therapy and hypomayonic fever. She is expected to make a full recovery in thiry-two to seventy years. Compared to the Mayonnaise, she escaped lightly.